Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
You Might Also Like
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
It’s the weekend y’all
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Okay me first
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*