I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
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Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Joined WhateverCupid鈩笍 and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
If you need a smile today, here鈥檚 a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 馃槀鉂わ笍
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that鈥檚 just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.