I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
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Cashier: “Have a great day!”
Me: “No thank you.”
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.
You heard.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.