Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: you need to take a drug test

Me: not if you want me to do this job

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.

ME: That’s beautiful.

CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.

ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.

WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?

ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog

[hiding under bed from murderer]

cellmate: I know you’re there

[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.

If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?

“LOL, NOPE”

-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red

Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.

The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.

“We know, dear.”

i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ

sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day

dad:

sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?

dad: oh yeah, maybe

[they watch tv in silence]

me: ?????

My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.

Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job

Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party

Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide

Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?

Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?

No one told me my life would become so much googling it

babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped

Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.

I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?

BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.

me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed

5yo: what did you do to be tired?

me: *eye twitches*

Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.

‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’

When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast

COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao

[first date]

“You’re not into anything weird right?”

-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*

I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.

I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.

My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.