Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.

So, just me..

COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think

[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?

I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed

Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.

date: I wrote a book on lions

me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?

Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*

Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?

Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie

Me: What did you do at school today?

My kid: Nothing.

School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*

The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.

white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.

I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.

My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: i have a doctorate in physics

flight attendant: this man is dying

me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same

[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman

When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”

Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!

“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.

(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?

At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.

i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism

The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out

Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge

I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”

I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma

my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?

me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.

narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.

Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.

me: what’s the best way to get healthy?

doctor: diet and exercise

me: what’s the next best?

ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*

MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?

ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships