Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”

If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.

Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down

Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.

*flies away with my broom*

Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.

boss: this company is more profitable than ever

me: how about a raise?

boss: sorry i have to take this call

me: your phone isn’t ringing

boss: [fakes heart attack]

Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say

No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.

You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?

It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.

Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party

They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂

My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.

Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene

Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M

I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters

A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”

“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”

– idiots

Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.

Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon

“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players

Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost

You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor

Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.

I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.

Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.

Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.

Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.

Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.

I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material

Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad