Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women

I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”

ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.

GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-

ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION

I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.

I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”

Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.

If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them

Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.

Shit: bowel movement

Sh t: vowel movement
i

*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*

In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.

I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.

“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.

It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.

like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’

With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be

it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too

PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes

[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal

Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.

Me: But I have work tomorrow.

Brain: I don’t care-

*alarm goes off*

-okay you can sleep.

From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin

My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?

Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-

6: Is that because you keep giving it away??

my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”

there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up

Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*

Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*

The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.

You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.

Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!

Bird 2: It’s incredible!!

Bird: imma stand in the road

Bird 2: Me too

I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.