Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.

They’re trained for that.

[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]

*professional stuntman do not attempt*

My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”

Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”

My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”

Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.

Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.

DD: U sure?

Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.

People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.

When you can’t find your friend Neil

I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.

[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]

Android user: See?

Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
 
Him: don’t you mean desert?
 
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}

Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.

[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]

“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”

*fist bump*

Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.

“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten

Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?

Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language

Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*

Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7

They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles

The Ninja Turtles corner him

Mario jumps on them all

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america

I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭

[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.

Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can

If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.

interview tip #86

be honest when asked about yourself

[later]

interviewer: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

my retirement plan is braless

Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl

god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy

‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’

~pharmaceutical ads

cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”