Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.

People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.

(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions

toddler: daddy do you like this book?

me: no

toddler: *snuggles in* perfect

What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander

publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?

jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob

I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.

[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!

God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami

Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami

God: *loves boats* No

i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows

please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume

Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.

Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing

Also me: runs into everybody I know

Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.

With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.

I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence

“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen

People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor

My son asked if there’s such a thing as fire tornados and I said I don’t know, and he looked wistfully out the window and said “I sure hope so” yeah man fingers crossed

doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix

me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR

I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.

Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.

My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.

[interview]

BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?

ME: No…miscommunication

BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication

ME: See?

I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.

Overheard

Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.

If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.

My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.

AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)

Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse