Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them

Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.

*wins lottery*

Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves

Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—

Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!

I will punch you in the face.

OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.

Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?

Good times.

After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own

#TopTip

Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…

Chaffing.

That’s all I’m saying…

Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.

like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.

*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn

I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.

Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.

Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”

Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”

BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test

ME: Hold my bong

I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.

My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.

4: What does antique mean?

Me: It means old-

4: Oh…like you?

I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.

You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.

I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.

It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity

Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.

Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you

Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.

I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.

Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.

Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.

*fighting with the husband*

He: deal with it!!

Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*