I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
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Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Labreador
happy friday
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry