I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
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[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Would you wear it?
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Just checked my bank account….
That shit said $ L,MA0,00.00
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall