Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

11:34: Arrived at crime scene

11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle

11:34: Found murder weapon in drain

11:34: Realized watch was broken

If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.

I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’

RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!

Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild

Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there

Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks

they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork

The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer

Mrs The Godfather: WHAT

When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.

“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.

*decides towels smell like mildew

*buys special laundry agent to remove odors

*washes load of towels

*forgets load in washer until morning

*repeat

If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name

The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.

Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.

Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.

Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.

Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME

Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.

Or a piece of work. Something like that.

One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.

[Gym]

Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!

Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*

Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”

Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?

me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room

cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you

*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.

Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.

I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.

I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜

We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.

“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.