Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.

That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.

[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!

“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”

me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)

me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)

on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h

Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:

My husband got me flowers!

I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework

I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry

I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

Me: Did you use the elevator?

Friend: I took the stairs.

Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?

If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.

I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.

the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time

Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?

Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.

Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.

If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!

GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.

Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.

[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]

“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”

Here

“Aren’t you going to guess?”

[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what

Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.

Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.

Me: *facepalm*

CDC: Stop that.

If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was

How to make ‘Small Talk’ with an Introvert:

Step 1: Identify the introvert
Step 2: Smile at the introvert and walk away without speaking
Step 3: Understand that the introvert enjoyed your time together

Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.

Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.

📸: @livinglyfree

#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare

I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″

I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.

Every Political Ad Ever:

I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*