Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Tonight we dine like kings!

*checks wallet*

Me: Like burger kings!

I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse

I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.

A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.

[date]

Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?

Him: No interest, before my time.

Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*

Him: What’re you doing?

[Dracula bites a pig]

Me: 😮 hampire

“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.

“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs

Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.

*5 minutes later*

Okay I’m gonna need that back

So I was passing the bus stop today when I heard a young fella brag to this girl that he doesn’t do afraid. Just as I past them I quickly turned around to him and said Boo. It turns out he does do afraid. 😂😂😂😂

*jurassic park meeting

CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.

Suit: We could build another park…

*long silence

CEO: Genius.

Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.

“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”

– Large intestines

See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple

Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”

That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.

What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?

A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”

My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”

You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet

8:00 AM: Too tired to think

Noon: Too tired to think

5:00 PM: Too tired to think

Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??

If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?

Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger

Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.

When someone asks if I have any hobbies

FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT

This checks out

There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo

Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.

“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”

I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.