Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.

I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.

[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond

Your wife is beautiful, is she single?

Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?

Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.

judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?

me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here

him: what are you looking for on this dating site?

me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.

Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU

date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex

[later]

me: *yelling* avada kedavra

[first day as a doctor]

me: we need to amputate your son’s leg

mother: i want a second opinion!

me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually

mother: no, another doctor

another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite

ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats

MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty

Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?

Her: *Yodels*

there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”

“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”

-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine

“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”

Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.

Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.

bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”

i won

Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.

A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?

Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.

Me: *half an hour later*

My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.

People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!

“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”

No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate

Normalize responding to work emails with:

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-

british gas:

my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store

Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”

My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?

My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!