I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
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[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
I need a sleep apnea machine, but I have no room in my bedroom. Unless of course I get rid of my movie theater butter pump or my Jimmy Buffett Margaritaville blender.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.