Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”

[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive

Me: Was this product tested on animals?

Clerk: Yes.

Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!

Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.

Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.

I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.

Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes

My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.

If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.

#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck

o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.

Netflix: Should I play this movie?

Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second

Netflix: I’ll put it on

Me: I’m just literally reading what it is

Netflix: It’s playing 🙂

While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.

I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.

ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.

I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.

chat, i am full of concern

emergency phone

Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.

One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush

You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back

Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?

*Arrives at work 2 hrs late

Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior

Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me

Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.

There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.

Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date

IRL

I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.

When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me

Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style

[god creating kangaroos]

Let’s make a horse rabbit.