Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it

The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.

“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.

*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?

why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it

I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.

This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest

1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hours

Congratulations! How was Disneyworld?

Great acting.. 😂

Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?

My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.

“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”

date: do you like a little danger?

me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me

Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.

Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.

I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.

Compromise.

No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.

The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.

Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.

Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.

16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired

Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?

Ex Girlfriend:…

Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed

Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.

I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend

If you love someone, let them go.

If they don’t come back, get a dog.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.

Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that

Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.

I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.

I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.