I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
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every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!
Oh wait.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.