Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend

Me: The doctor?

Her: He never comes over anymore

Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird

*flips table*

YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS

Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.

This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.

We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.

Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.

Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.

If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab

I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”

“Of course I’ve tried that!”

– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it

if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem

Honest job interview:

“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”

The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude

If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.

When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.

– What have you come as?

– A Werewolf.

– But… they’re your normal clothes.

– It’s not a full moon.

“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.

[train station]

Man: hey you.

Woman: Hi.

M: i’m Christian.

W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks away

M: ugh. i hate my name.

“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”

TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld

The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.

Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka

Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”

Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there

Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are

I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.

Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times

[dog park]
Go get it, boy!

*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*

Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever

APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.

“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”

— Mark Twain

my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this

Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.

I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.

[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]

A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.

Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.

I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping