Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.

My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.

Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.

And now the cops are here…..

This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.

Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.

Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?

1996: eww that’s gross

2016: head first without thinking

F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.

Again my apologies to the lady at the IHOP this morning.

Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE

started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds

The Wolf of Wall Street.

Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.

Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again

me: when is the last time you had a bath?

4: tomorrow

[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought

Boxing and fencing

Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences

Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.

– Frank Piñata

Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..

*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*

So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.

Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.

I can’t stop watching this.

“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.

Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.

Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”

Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.

And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.

My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

If social media platforms were weddings:

FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception

IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback

Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk

Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.

I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.

Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]

This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.