Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before

stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books

All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.

Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…

[walking somewhere]

My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!

Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”

Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit

Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.

Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues

I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.

Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.

I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life

*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*

STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life

Silence is golden

But duct tape is silver.

I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.

[Star Trek: The Next Generation)

Picard: Why are they firing at us?

Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.

Friend: your parents must have had you young

Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger

I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.

they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter

You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.

[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in

Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place

I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out

“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.

Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.

When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”

I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.

(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)

I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.

My wife is my rock.
Not only is she always there for me, but she looks just like Dwayne Johnson

You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.

still bigger than my 1st New York apartment