I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
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My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
The answer is funnier than the question
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.
I hate celery. 🤮🥴
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.