I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
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me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
This is the coolest video you will see today.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.