I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
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Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.