Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁

I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.

Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me

I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks

If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID

Me: it’s time to go to sleep

3: Nope, I don’t think so

Me: who asked you?!

Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲

[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*

Red light : Stop

Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution

Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go

Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.

True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.

Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.

Them: Can you help me?

Me: I don’t work here.

Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*

My boss: You need to stop doing that.

*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*

I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it

Checkmate Jesus.

I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.

Moderator: your word is “impatient”

Sloth: can you use it

Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“

Sloth: in a

Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*

Sloth: oh great thank you

Moderator: what the

Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.

These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.

Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.

You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.

Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.

She’s gotten sick of pizza.

[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.

for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again

4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history

Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.

Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.