I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
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[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Hello Twits.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat