I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
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Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Black Friday at the LEGO store, people were lined up for blocks
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted
Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Big Sex has us all fooled
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.