I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
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It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Double negatives are never not confusing.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.