Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.

ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.

BOND: I’m a spy.

ME: You are bad at all parts of this.

“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”

New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”

I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.

1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent

go easy on yourself <3

Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.

Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.

I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…

I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.

grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk

The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.

Asked my 9 yo how his day went and he responded with, “well, it started off just like any other Wednesday…”

An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.

*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.

Not messing around

Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.

4-year-old: What happens when you die?

Me: You go to heaven.

4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?

[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*

A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

There’s plenty of fish in the sea… For example, Christian:

*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*

A door was tried in court.

It was an open and shut case.

I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.

Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.

#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…

Toothpick use time frames:

30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it

60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth

90 seconds – Things are getting weird

120 seconds – Sexual predator

me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.

judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.

me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.

watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.

To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.