I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
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imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Lmao 😁
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot