I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
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Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
wish me luck lads
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything