Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?

Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.

My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed

I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”

Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.

I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.

[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer

Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!

The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.

the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.

what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.

Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.

My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.

Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*

God: *creates mom look*

Angel: Are you mad?

God: No, just disappointed

Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it

[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes

Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…

This a good idea

The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?

There’s never enough good news

I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.

All parents have a favourite child

Good parents pretend they don’t

Great parents at least make it one of their own

I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.

Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.

I guess that means no one came.

Aladdin: I can show you the world

Jasmine: lets go to New York!

Aladdin: hold on

Jasmine: then London

Aladdin: wait

Jasmine: and then-

Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah

Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.

Boss: you look a bit lost

Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you

Boss: About what

Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening

Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise

Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?

Doctor: sure

Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never

You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500

librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees

me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find

Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.

*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.

Word.

~ Microsoft.