I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
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I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Reset password
‘SevenDays’
Your password is week
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.
Again my apologies to the lady at the IHOP this morning.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Alexa: *deep breath*
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Got 7yo a cellular device so he could make emergency calls.
Yesterday’s emergency call: 4yo won’t eat her shrimp after I said she had to and he wanted to make sure I knew. 🍤
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir