I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
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I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
#DesignFail
when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”