Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?

ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?

Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.

Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there

Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors

You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.

At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”

My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.

If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.

a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class

LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash

ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are

ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope

5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.

Me: What???

5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.

fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding

me: WHO IS HE

My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.

One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.

Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.

If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over

It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor

I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich

You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?

That.

Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker

CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT

My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch

When your man makes a valid point

SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger

ME: Me too, that’s also my reason

I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”

I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”

Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.

*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*

So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.

Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake

just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏

“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin

Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.

most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines