I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
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Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.