I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
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So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.