I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
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If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Husband of the year 😂
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
NYPD has found suspect’s jacket in Central Park, checked pockets for clues only to pull out a comically unending string of colorful handkerchiefs
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
What goes “ooooooooo”?
A cow with no lips.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens