Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶

Me: You’re going to daycare today

3: Okay

Me: We’re almost at daycare

3: Okay

Me: We’re at daycare

3: *bursts into tears*

Me: Why are you crying?!

3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare

*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*

When news reporters do sports stories

[first date]

OK don’t let her know you’re a snail

Waiter: Would you like some salt?

[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]

Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.

Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.

At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.

Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”

How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.

I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in

Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha

Personal trainer: what’s so funny?

Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running

WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there

That’s a good costume, I hope.

My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.

A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.

The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.

With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.

jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up

Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?

Me: Why would I do that?

D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]

Me: *winks at camera*

If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.

when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory

[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No

John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!

Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works

[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

Seas the day!!!!

My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.