I bought a reusable straw so now I go by Captain Planet.
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If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.
Them: Why?
Me: My car is haunted.
Them: Haunted?
Me: So haunted.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.