I bought a reusable straw so now I go by Captain Planet.
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Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
🔥🔥
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??