I bought a reusable straw so now I go by Captain Planet.
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Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?