I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
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Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
[getting a retweet]
“I’VE BEEN PUBLISHED”
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
being insane should at least burn calories
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.