I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
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[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Son: moms and aunts are sisters, right?
Me: Yes
S: Then why do aunts show up with Lego sets, cookie cake and Roblox gift cards, and moms just cook healthy meals and say no?
What about a To-Don’t List?
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”