Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂

I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving

[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?

*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant

I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.

[restaurant]

ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny

WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans

Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?

Costco employee: Aisle 6

Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?

A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”

– every stoplight

i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.

Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?

Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!

😂

*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.

I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.

black phone good

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.

I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.

Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?

my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t

Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”

To which I replied: “a camera.”

Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro

I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.

JOKER: Why so serious

ME: Have you seen the news?

JOKER: Ok fair

I stopped carrying a grudge

Weigh me now

Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.

[1st date]

[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor

Her: “How’s your meal?”

[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]