Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.

I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.

Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?

My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that

What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls

The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.

Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”

*starts driving*

“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”

Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.

is nasa ok

wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat

My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.

One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.

Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.

Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?

I do. Now.

kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.

When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things

Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…

“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”

Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.

“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”

-Me, to my laundry basket.

In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.

While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.

I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug

Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”

Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’

Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences

🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶

Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor

why am i having trouble navigating this map??

I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created

Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus

When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.

But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.