I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
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I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes