I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
You Might Also Like
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.