Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed

Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?

Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.

If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”

me: a weirdo broke into my house

cop: are you positive it was a weirdo

me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me

Wait a minute…

Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.

I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.

ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs

My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol

Priest: That’s your eulogy?

How dude HOW?!

The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…

When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.

You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?

The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.

I guess she doesn’t remember me.

[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*

Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.

I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.

[Garden of Eden]

Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend

Eve: I thought I was your best friend?

Adam: I love you

Eve: aww I love you too

Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog

Child: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.

ME: There are 18 sheep.

RANCHER: Round ‘em up!

ME: There are 20 sheep.

BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala

Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.

astronaut: houston come in

houston: this had better be important

astronaut: it’s urgent

houston: fine what

astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float

ME: I want a normal night of sleep

MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.

What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.

Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.

I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”

I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.

Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.

Every
Single
Year