I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
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There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
im a single issue voter and this is my issue
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
I finally found a reason to live again.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.