I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
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[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
This guy gets it.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Pickpocketed in London by a quite old man. Saw him whip my purse out of the side pocket of my bag. Was a nice purse I bought in Paris but swings and roundabouts – I use it to store my emergency travel tampons.
Have fun, tea leaf granda! Hope you only have a light to medium flow x
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
My Plans 2020
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
-Ordering a pizza $40
-Having it delivered $5
-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home
Sliceless
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.