I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
You Might Also Like
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”