Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.

The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.

Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels

i wish we could shoplift online

I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.

waitress: are there any allergies at this table?

me, already drunk: POLLEN

Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”

I think about that a lot

*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*

“Oh no! My research!!”

Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone

[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?

when someone rings the doorbell

Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?

I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.

* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*

Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.

90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.

burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that

wife: [sits up] oh my god

husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed

burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch

me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.

lawyer: i think you mean alleged.

me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.

Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something

I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!

Me: Who ate all the cookies?

5-year-old: Ninjas.

Me: I didn’t see them.

5-year-old: No one ever does.

Checkmate.

[God Creating Raccoons]

God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food

I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches

I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.

Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA

Natives: actually it’s no-

C: HI INDIANS

N: no see, we are nowhere near-

C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD

Her: I want you to choke me daddy

Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth

My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.

“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.

I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.

I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for

retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?