I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
You Might Also Like
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
no their not
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying