I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
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*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*