I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
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[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water
I felt like I accidentally rolled my eyes at someone on the tube and they saw me, so I decided to start rolling my eyes a lot, pretending I had some sort of eye problem to try to explain/disguise the first accidental eye roll and they probably think I’m a maniac.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
When your boss says it’s not a two person job.
🙀🙀🙀😹
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning