I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
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If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.