I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
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[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.