I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
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My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
is this meant to deter me
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
#Caturday
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!