I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
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yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage
Me: Absolutely broke.
Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason