I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
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Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Every single bad day happened because I woke up
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Thank you 🥹
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600