Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.

When your best mate counts as a desk too

Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*

*trying to start a tickle fight

I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.

[jumps in Uber]

ME: HURRY I’M LATE

UBER: [starts driving]

ME: PULL OVER HERE

[jumps out, pets dog]

ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO

me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*

9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad

Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.

Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.

What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?

My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.

I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.

When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.

In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.

Lesson learned. No donuts next time.

My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.

Call me old-fashioned, but I thought we’d pretty much sorted the design of the cup.

[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]

*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”

Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40

I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.

Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.

Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.

I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.

The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.

Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.

When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother

family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly

why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me

*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.

I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent

We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.

“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me

Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else

200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass