Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?

Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”

Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us

Me: Like Spanx

1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.

Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?

I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.

When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”

Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.

[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]

Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade

On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?

FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss

ME: damn right

[later]

ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim

Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better

My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies

one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert

First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count

[Home invasion]

Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married

My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea

Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry

Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.

to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it

garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move

People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing

Jury duty

[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!

Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??

Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles

A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty

Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection

gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss

me: *whispering to guy* she is

Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”

Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?

Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.

Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made