I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
You Might Also Like
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB