I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
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Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
oh so when Moo Deng bites people and falls over she’s “a social media sensation” but when I do it I am “bringing a weird energy to my coworker’s gender reveal party”
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.