I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
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me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Stop being $50 to eat, food.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.
my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
When William Shakespeares first wrote the bible, he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse Smelt, Dealt, Denied & Supplied.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
We found love in a hopeless place.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.