I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
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How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
[eats all your cotton candy]
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.