I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
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Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨
Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
me: this is my horse, mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.