I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
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Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
I really hate when people derail normal tweets with their own upsetting lore. You’ll be like “it’s great when grandparents are active in kids’ lives” and someone is like “well ok but my grandmother literally went to jail for killing my parents and is currently on the loose??”
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Well lets see. . . .2020: Didn’t jog. . . . .2021: Didn’t jog. . . . .2022: Didn’t jog. . . . .2023: Didn’t jog. . . . .2024: Haven’t jogged ~ This is kind of a running joke with me.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
coworker: I might have to get a new doctor, it’s impossible to make appointments with them! they don’t answer their phones or return messages.
me: ask them who their CEO is
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom