I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
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I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Pro tip for my good boys out there
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
Who needs an Air Fryer?
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…