I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
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Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you
ME: It’s a vampire movie set in ancient Rome
PRODUCER: Keep talking
ME: called Vladiator
HIM: Get out
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards