I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
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Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
[eulogy]
line?
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
I’d hang this in my house.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Florida be like…
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible