Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.

#Caturday

I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.

It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.

I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.

Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago

Running from your problems is cardio .

We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.

People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.

sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana

Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar

My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.

What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.

My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor

“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”

if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship

Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?

Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.

Too easy.

GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn

Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁

Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?

driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened

Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.

A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks

And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”

Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.

Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.

cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try

[taking a knee]

Surgeon: Stop that woman!

Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online

ready to be harvested

ME: holy shit is that the pope?!

HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride