I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
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True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING