me as a therapist: I see what you’re saying. *starts writing something down for you* here, there’s an episode of Naruto that I think would be relevant and extremely healing for you,
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
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me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
She won’t admit she’s obsessed with Instagram…
But her kids’ names are Brannan, Kelvin, and Valencia.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Me: …I think we should see other people.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny