I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
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I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
whenever I look up and see a security camera, I like to imagine there’s a guy in some secret control room somewhere in europe who calls his boss on his little headset and says “we’ve got him, sir. he just entered the south hall at the chipotle on main street”
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.