I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
You Might Also Like
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!