Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right

[reverse psychology résumé]

Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)

My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water

Checkmate, Allegiant

I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.

everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up

Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.

Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )

Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”

Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.

[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]

me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture

Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.

Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.

End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY

[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)

[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.

just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait

My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?

seeing a lot of pretty girls tweet about being “created in a lab” which is weird bc i distinctly remember the day we all emerged from the depths of the lake together

Answers phone, makes modem noises…

Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.

My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.

Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?

*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*

Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.

*on my deathbed*

*groggy, dazed, & delirious*

Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?

Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?

Me: *pulls plug*

*the fog lifts*

*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*

*the fog does cardio*

*the fog is fit af*

Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.

3: Imma be a lamp.

Me: I’m done talking to you for now.

Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings

ㅤ

Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.

I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation

The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.

I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.