Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Tell us something about yourself.

Me:

Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.

WEBMD: Enter symptoms

Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin

WEBMD: You are a jellyfish

I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.

I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”

Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.

It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…

i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar

*Struts like a peacock*

I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep

Cw – it was 10 minutes long!

Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper

wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge

Me: Put on your seatbelt.

13: Do I have to?

Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield

13: cool

Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!

date: i want a good listener

superman: 🙂

date: who can see inner beauty

superman: 🙂

date: and looks good in glasses

clark kent: 🙂

date: wait what the hell

him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that

me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses

why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism

this is funnier than any friends episode

I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder

imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now

{At the last supper}

Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”

Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”

Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years

When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”

I yelled back 5309.

No one laughed.

I am old.

I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.

Update: I’m Still single.

[hawaii]

me: aloha!

my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up

me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha

“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes

I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season

79.

The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.