I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it
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I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
People should also put up “NEW CAT” posters around the neighborhood so it’s not all just bad news
Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
I’d like to have a word with the groundhog before he starts on his bullshit this year.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
No chill.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine