Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*horror movie

“The calls are coming from inside the house!”

“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”

*world is ending*

Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

$4 #usedbooks

DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.

My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.

Human: *jumps*

Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur

Human: *pole vaults*

Kangaroo: wait WTF?

Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.

doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?

me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas

touring apartments is so funny bc sometimes you know the answer is no as soon as the door opens and you gotta pretend like you kinda interested as you see the rest of the place omg

barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented

[Calling concert venues across the country]

Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly

scrabbled eggs

my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”

Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.

Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?

Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.

Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG

Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically

choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb

Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.

My god she’s good.

Doritos – my own personal love triangles.

First child: Eats yogurt.

Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.

At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music

Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.

I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.

interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job

me: the company moved

interviewer: where to

me: they didn’t tell me

“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores

Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?

Does your wife know you’re single?