I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
You Might Also Like
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
How dramatic are you?
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.