Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.

I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2

Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?

Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.

Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.

WORM 911: what’s ur emergency

FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD

WORM 911: u need medical help?

FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.

[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo

The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for

“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”

I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.

if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats

There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.

– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:

Its a hippotatomus

If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this

You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.

[second date]

Me: so… is this your first police chase?

Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.

Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!

If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back

I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.

My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.

I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.

Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.

me adding lol on a serious message

My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download

me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT

I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.

You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.

[after bowling]

Me: that was fun

Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball

Me: it helps me aim

[later in bed]

Me: *whispering* bo-

Her: -no

Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.

Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.

Me: Secretly? No.

Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.

Me: A transplant?

Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.

Me:

Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.

Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.

Then eat it in front of them.